I GOTTA FEELING....

The universe is spinning and throwing my mind, my body, my hopes, my dreams into warp speed. I am not sure where it is taking me, but if I was an astrologist, I would say I believe that the stars are beginning to align for me. I am at a place in my life where I am taking the reigns back and putting myself out there in my relationships, in the dating world, in my acting, in my writing. I am tired of resting on my laurels and staying comfortable. I can't even believe I am quoting Black Eyed Peas, by saying "I gotta feeling....that tonight's gonna be a good night," but I am- in the perspective of this year. For years I have said, "Oh no, I won't get in a relationship until I am settled in my career," but the energy fields are spinning and pushing everything into one nuclear reaction throwing all into orbit at once. In the midst of the chaos of the unknown I am living in, the only source of peace in that nucleus is the joy that I receive in Christ. I choose to trust the promises of the Lord and lay it all out there and give it all back, releasing control. I choose to float into the atmosphere and let it have its' way with me, trusting full well that it will land me on the mountaintop I have dreamed of for so long.

This entire commitment to let go is inspired by the need to refuse to settle. I will not settle in my pursuit for the woman the Lord has set out for me. I will not settle into the isolation of my apartment thus preventing myself from being able to find that one. I will not settle for the status quo when it comes to my diligence in the pursuit of acting. I will not settle for unearned loyalty. I will not settle with the excuses of a weak demo reel, nor inexperience. I choose to take charge and pursue excellence in this pursuit. I will not settle for mediocrity in my writing and therefore, choose to stir the pot to create a masterpiece. I choose to make myself available for love, no matter the fear of being hurt, or being forced to be vulnerable. I choose to commit my ways to the Lord and in all my ways acknowledge Him. I choose to make a difference each day in the lives of the people I interact with. I choose to live for each day, one day at a time, trusting that the sum of my days will add up to the Lord saying to me, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." I just gotta a feeling......

"A lot of things are true, even if they never really happen."

On March 13, I became the Academy Award nominated character, Billy Bibbitt for the first time in the Repertory East Playhouse production of ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOOS NEST. I have to admit that in all my life, this is the most fun I am having as a performer. It is the perfect part for me, at the perfect time in my life. It most assurdly the surest testament to my growth as a performer and I am honored by Director Mikee Schwinn for giving me this opportunity. Ken Kesey's infamous tale has taken me on a eye-opening journey into my own mind to find what it is that I am really afraid of, and what it will take for me to overcome those fears and break through to the other side. As posted in the last blog, why we do what we do, there is something truly magical that takes place when I make my way through the double doors of our psych ward and enter into Nurse Ratched's manipulative playground. Anderson Reid disappears and all that matters is Billy and what he wants, what he needs, and what he hopes. There is nothing else in this life that can even compare to the feeling of having all of those emotions right at my fingertips. And although we don't necessarily perform for the praise of man, it is highly encouraging to find out that your work is being so well-received. It is a sure-fire sign that I am operating right in the midst of where God needs me to be. And although the Chief says "a lot of things are true, even if they never really happen," I am convinced that what happens for those two and half hours on that stage is the most honest work I have ever been a part of------

WHY WE DO WHAT WE DO-

Here I sit on Monday, February 16,2009 having just completed a 9-week run of the classic Broadway tale of West Side Story. Little did I know four months ago what I was getting myself into upon stepping on to the Hudson Mainstage for an audition. What seemed like another measely audition, turned into an opportunity ripe with challenges and obstacles that would only serve to enhance my skills as an actor. From the intense choreographer of Arthur Ross to the precise nature of fight choreography, being a part of MTLA's West Side Story has become one of my proudest moments as an actor. I have done many curtain calls before, but last night as we took our final bows, I knew I had been a part of something truly special. Furthermore, I knew what it meant to be a storyteller.

It was an enormous blessing to work with a cast so perfectly picked and to watch each of us grow as performers. Part of the joy of Live Theatre is that it is always unpredictable. No matter how many times you have rehearsed a project, it is always a fresh show where anything can happen- as there are no reshoots. Perhaps the reason I feel so strongly about this production is because of what it gave back to me. In a last minute pinch, I was thrown into playing the lead of Tony after having virtually no rehearsals. Rather than shying away from the opportunity, the confidence that has been building inside me as an actor rose to the challenge and faced the "gauntlet" head on. It was probably the best thing that could ever happen to me because it forced me to trust my instincts and to trust in my abilities. I didn't have the time, nor the luxury, to worry about what might happen. I am proud to sit here before you today and say that the show went as smooth as could possibly be hoped for considering the circumstances. In fact, when the show ended, I spent the first ten minutes on Hudson Avenue, alone, bent over, exhaling and reminescing on what had just transpired. I thanked my God for granting me the confidence and I let the overflow of emotion pour out of me and onto that street. No one in the audience may ever know what it took to put that show on, but for the 34 of us in the cast, we all worked together, "having each other's backs," which in turn led to a highly emotionally charged show. I will say that although it was fun to be "Tony" for two shows, it was all the more exciting to hop back into my role as "Big Deal" for the final 6 performances.

In reflecting upon the 36 shows I just completed, I realized that it is difficult for people who don't live in this world to understand why it is that we do what we do. To them I say this- As Actors/performers, we are priviliged to have the right to tell stories, to explore those issues that no one else wants to explore, to investigate our own emotions with the hope of our work inspiring hope, or change, or even accountability in the lives of the audience.

When it was all said and done- 3500 audience members, 108 hours of performances, 36 shows, 34 performers, 8 Jets, 2 nights as Tony, all off of 1 audition-----PRICELESS!

THE NIKE COMMERCIAL THAT WASN"T

So the day finally came. I finally got the big call for a National Commercial spot. This time the product was NIKE and the spot involved Lebron James and infamous Director Mark Romanek. I don't even think I realized how big of a deal this was until I received the call sheet and discovered just how elaborate a gig this would be. I mean, on paper, I had every right to be ecstatic. The celebrity personnel, the magnitude of this shoot, the fact that the usage for this spot invovles every component- network, cable, internet, foreign, industrial, behind the scenes- everything. There would be an enormous money making opportunity here. All these elements ran through my mind as I drove down to the LA sports arena for work at 5am on Monday. Upon arrival, I quickly learned from a fellow actor, that the only way to make residuals off this spot is to have your face in the final cut for at least half a second. I wasn't too worried about it because our audition bit ran about 5 seconds and was a nice tag to the end of the commercial. As the shoot commenced, I discovered that there was no guarantee for any of us that we would make the final cut. However, I feared not because I thought our bit was a vital part to book end the commercial. In addition, the Director, Mark Romanek, seemed to really be on our side to get our bit in. I decided to be a total teamplayer and make myself as available as possible for the director. I would have finally had my moment had there not been a discrepancy about one of the shots on day two that delayed everything by two hours. The result of this delay landed a few of the final shots on the gym floor with no hope of making the spot. In any case, I left with the knowledge of having a great working relationship with an amazing director and will now do everything in my power to work with him again in the future.

Let us be more undignified than this...

Hollywood can be a truly taxing existence. The heaviness of the city can weigh on your heart like a two-ton brick forcing your mental state into one of complete doubt of everything you have ever known to be true. There is a fine line that has been drawn out in regards to compromise and change for the Christian man to walk in this city. My truest nature longs to be a part of this medium that translates, dictates, and creates cultural norms while at the same time striving to be different, change, and rebrand what is the cultural norm. As I sat in Bible study last night- yes ladies and gentlemen, Bible studies do exist out here-I felt the conviction of the Lord to remember that in order for the cultural norm to truly be changed, it is going to take someone to rise up and go against the flow, to look like a fool before the norms that are in practice now, and be a man of conviction. I don't have to accept the standard that has been founded out here. I can help revolutionize the standard by sticking to what I know to be true. Time and time again in scripture, the Lord uses the few, the unlikely, the underqualified, the weak, to defeat, to drown out, and to overcome the strong, the powerful, the cultural norm. The enemy delights in infesting our minds with doubt about what we can, and can't do. He takes pure joy in holding us back from being used by our Creator for plans that supercede our own beliefs of possibility. When we sit back and look at our lives, we all have countless opportunities to be bold with our beliefs, but the enemy likes to silence us because he knows that the truth appeals to the heart of all man.

It has been especially interesting to explore the heart of man in my acting class, as I have been faced with challenge, after challenge in portraying characters in various states of existence. Through this study, I have learned that at the core of all our needs, there is a need for something greater than this earth can offer. This desire can only be satisfied in the empowerment of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Whether it is feeling powerless in a scene from A Perfect Murder, or the need to be loved in Waitress, our day-to-day lives our filled with needs that we seek absolution on from the physical embodiments of the people around us. All of our needs and cares can be supplied for through the Lord, but we seek them out from those around us because there are more tangible results, or so we think.

If we truly want to find satisfaction in our lives, in our careers, in our relationships, we must first find our satisfaction in the author of all things. We must find ourselves standing before the Lord, bare and naked, without masks or walls, admitting our true natures, laying more undignified than this....

In return, the Lord uses us in ways beyond our wildest imaginations.

BROTHERS AND SISTERS

Little did I know that just two hours outside of one of the largest cities in the world, I would be able to find such retreat as I did at Big Bear Mountain over President's day weekend. There were 11 of us in all and we all needed a break. We all needed to recharge our batteries. We all needed to be reminded of the fact that there is more to life than frantically running around to auditions and trying to make a name for ourselves in our respective disciplines of the Entertainment Industry. What better way to retreat than to go with the BROTHERS AND SISTERS that make up our Los Angeles family. Life is hard enough as it is, so it is far more bearable when you have people to share life with. It is the community that we all long for at our core. We want to feel like we are not alone in the fight. The eleven of us- Ben and Tracy Grayson, Emily Moss, CC Ford, Dairek Morgan, Emily Rose, John Naclerio, Anton Seim, Greg and Jesse Wilson, and myself took that fight to the mountain and we came out revitalized.

I believe the Lord calls us to enjoy life together and to rely on each other for accountability. These people in my life have been there through all the ups and downs and have seen the best and worst sides of me- Most importantly, they still accept me. We may not be the smartest people in the world, nor the most successful, but what we do have super cedes any earthly satisfaction. What we have is almost palpable to the world around us. There is a thread of genuine love that ties us all together. It is apparent in the way we crash and burn while learning to snowboard and when we shred Black Diamonds by the end of Day 2. It is apparent in how we watch out for each other's best interest. It is apparent when we are willing to endure the cold, forsaking the end of an important conversation about life and what really matters. It can be seen in how we laugh together and how we cry together. It is a beautiful tapestry.

We each go in a million different directions during our week, but when we are together, we are here. We are present. We do not mess around. We invest. For me, this is the key to survival in Hollywood. You have to have the community around you that will take you out of your 'go-home' days, and will celebrate with you on your victory days.

On this trip, a personal goal of learning how to snowboard, thanks to the help of Dairek, Emily, Ben, Tracy, and John. I fear that the days of skis are to be no more because I have found new joy on a single board.

Final Thought- Do not be afraid to invest in the lives of those around you, you may be surprised at how quick the Lord is to surround you with BROTHERS AND SISTERS to share life with.

Hope 'Behind the Mask'

2008 is the year where I must take the drastic measures to aid the complete transition into the life of a working actor. The year started off with a solid reassurance of why I moved to Los Angeles in the first place as I had an amazing opportunity to participate in another AFI film, BEHIND THE MASK (The Nixon Story). As you can see from the dapper image to the right, I fill out the 1974 portrait of Edward Cox and wife, Tricia Nixon Cox with the air of 'American Royalty' that was attributed to this offspring of Richard himself.

The story follows the family dynamic of the Nixon clan during the Thanksgiving dinner post-Impeachment. As son-in-law, Edward Cox, I had the great pleasure of playing the voice of dissent, the one non-Nixon, who was unafraid to address the big 'elephant' in the room that no one wanted to talk about. After all, Nixon's impeachment had a negative effect on my career as well in that I was forever associated with His administration.

Director Benjamin Mattingly did an amazing job of casting each of the very different roles, as well as finding near matches in appearance. He, furthermore, worked diligently to pull the kind of performances from each of us that were necessary to create the arc of Nixon's ultimate apology to the family. During the shooting of this film, I remembered why it was that I wanted to do this in the first place. The adrenaline that pumped through my veins during each day of the shoot was so strong that it is undeniable that I am on the right pursuit. I quickly realized the benefit of all the training that I have been going through during the first three years here in LA. As soon as I slipped on the tight, 1970s business suit, and tied the sharp, lavender tie around my neck, I slipped into the era and the mindset of Edward Cox, making it extremely easy to maneuver around the set. I felt like I proved myself as an actor to everyone on day one, while shooting the close-ups for scene 3. We were on a time crunch and needed to pick up the pace, and so I did everything in my power to give them what they wanted in the fewest amount of takes as possible. The only time in my life that I felt more alive than I did that day was standing on Inspiration Point over-looking Jenny Lake in Wyoming.

The entire crew jumped on board with me as an actor from that moment on and I felt great about the dynamic I brought to the film. In fact, Ben told me at the wrap party that it was decided that I got the Oscar for Breakthrough performance on this shoot because I exceeded their expectations. That is always a nice way to leave a relationship with a film project. It also served as a great encouragement to continue in this pursuit in Los Angeles. I have tasted the sweet goodness of film making once again and I fear that I am quickly growing an addictive personality, wanting more opportunities like this one to quench my thirst.

Before I sign off today, I have to give credit where credit is due and so that my fellow actors greatly affected my performance in that they gave me tons to work with. I want to say a special thanks to my wife, played by Angela Dezeen, and Nixon himself, portrayed by Charles Howerton for helping me have the time of my life. And for Charles, I also want to thank Charles for encouraging me to trust my instincts because they are good ones. You'll never know how important it was to hear that.

All in all, the three day shoot provided tons of hope for what may lie ahead and I eagerly await the opportunities to work with these people again- Ben Mattingly, Kip Pastor, Elizabeth Hannah, Jessica Freeborn, Rick Diaz, Tal Lazar, Zach Tabacco, Dylan Matlock, Shannon Dollison, Liz Schroeder, Melissa Krystofiak, Jhil McEntyre, Charles Howerton, Angela Dezeen, Mike McGill, Meredith Kibbee, Paul Bond, Courtney Walker, and Susan Hanfield.